dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (Default)
posted by [personal profile] dglenn at 05:26am on 2007-07-27 under ,

"I'm wondering what would it be like to have a cultural space that was to gender as atheism is to religion." -- Jennifer Moore in Gender and Belief

dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (cyhmn)

A bit of a grab-bag entry (er ... as though that's anything unusual) as I try to get ready for Pennsic.

Baitcon: I mentioned that there were lots of folks I was glad to see, and that the "folks I don't see often enough" category is too large. There were too many members of that category present for me to get to talk to everyone I wanted to. I'm glad of the chance to catch up with the ones I did manage to. I really need to plan a road trip to Boston (and several other places) once I have a car again.

On the whole I had a great time -- meteorological, culinary, musical, and social aspects were all wonderful -- and my body only "stole time" from me by forcing me to rest-more-than-healthy-people when I would rather have been making music or being social, rather than wiping out my weekend entirely. It was frustrating but I'm trying to recalibrate my expectations. (Much like the past couple years at Pennsic where I've had to pace myself in such a way that I get about a week worth of Pennsic in the two weeks spent there. Getting more folks to come hang out in my camp would help summat.)

After Baitcon: my right wrist has been excruciatingly painful since sometime on the way home from Baitcon. :-( Enough so that perhaps it's just as well that miscommunication interfered with my getting to 3LF rehearsal this week. I did find a position in which I can play bass guitar without aggravating it farther, but I'm not sure I can play double bass right now, and really vigorous strumming on guitar (like I do in HCB) would be a major problem. I've no idea what I did to it, and am feeling rather impatient about its healing, since I'm concerned about being able to play when it's time to perform.

Pennsic whoops: The somewhat Rube Goldberg shipping arrangements for a package I need from London, Ontario fell through. (The "fault", if one can be said to exist, lies more with the fragility of a plan involving so many steps, rather than the failure of any one person trying to do me a favour; also, my own lack of foresight in getting things moving early enough to compensate for glitches.) This has the potential to make my Pennsic significantly uncomfortable. I don't suppose there's anyone who could arrange to bring me two weeks worth of certain Canadian goods on such short notice? (Specifically the generic version of Reactine [Zyrtec] which I know I'm going to want in that dusty, smoky environment, and codeine+caffeine+acetaminophen tablets [unless a version with ibuprofen instead of aceteminophen exists], which I very much hope not to need, but am very likely to given that Pennsic is a bit rough on my body. The Reactine has to be the plain version, without any decongestant -- 10mg tablets preferred, though I can double up on 5mg pills or use a pill-splitter to chop 20mg ones in half.)

And not really a 'whoops', though I do wish I'd thought to ask earlier than this: is there anybody in my area (Baltimore) not going to Pennsic, who has a 12V deep-cycle battery that I could borrow for two weeks? Merely a convenience, as opposed to the rather more pressing medical needs in the preceeding paragraph, but hey, if it works out ...

And a little-whoops: I'm still looking to trade a 128MB Memory Stick Pro that I can't use (actually it's a Pro Duo in an adapter) for a 128MB or even a 64MB Memory Stick not-'Pro' that I can use. I meant to try to arrange such a trade for Baitcon but forgot.

Not related to anything in particular (1): Every so often a friend sets up, or tweaks, their custom filters to show journal entries on different topics to different people, and there's usually a round of "which filters do you want to be on?". If I'm actually getting around to reading everything and commenting that week, I usually say something like this, which I'll borrow [info] emeraldliz's words for because they're more concise than mine:

"I get tired of people deciding they suddenly need a dozen friends lists and asking people if they want to be on them. If I'm a friend- it's cuz I want to read your stuff. If you don't want me to read it, that's up to you. If I don't want to read it, it's up to me."

Note that I don't expect everyone on my friendslist who decides a month or a year or a decade from now to remember the Published Filter Policy of every person on their friendslist, so therefore I am not demanding that this statement be remembered and taken into account, but I figure I may as well at least put it out there just in case.

Actually, if there were an "add this user-plus-tag" option when friending someone or adding them to one of your own reading filters, then tags could be used to push the whole "opt-in filter" concept into the reader's sphere-of-control. (Even better would be that plus "except if this tag is present" as options, so that I could exclude certain only-occasionally-interesting and usually verbose subjects fom my "busy" reading filter, while still leaving them on my default view. It would have to be user+tag, not just tag-regardless-of-user, because different people use the same tag different ways.) As I've observed before, I'm sure there are folks who would like to be able to subscribe to my QotD entries without getting the rest of my journal.

Not related to anything in particular (2): I was thinking last week about what's nice about being in a place where lots of guys are wearing kilts, and was reminded of it at Baitcon when somebody made an appreciative comment about men in skirts (kilts and otherwise): It's been quite adequately demonstrated that a large percentage of women really like seeing men in kilts or in skirted garments in general. Not all of these women will be attracted to me, but in an environment where there are lots of kilts being worn, the odds are that for each woman present, there will be at least one guy she finds distractingly attractive wearing a kilt within visual range. So women at such events tend to be, if not exactly aroused per se, at least a little ... "revved up", "sparkly", happy, tittilated. And even when they're not looking at me, that energy is perceptible, and I find that energy, that undercurrent of awareness-of-aroused-females-of-my-species pervading the environment, to be pleasurable in itself. I like being around aroused women. It feels nice. A pleasant glow for an empath.

Really, I've never quite understood why so relatively few cisgendered American guys (outside of the Pagan community, Celtic festivals, medieval reenactment contexts, and the contradance scene) choose to wear unbifurcated garments, given how positively -- and usually quite openly so -- many women respond when they see men wearing such things. (Admittedly, I first noticed the connection as a side effect of being transgendered, but I eventually would've caught on from being at medieval events and Scottish events, and would have realized as several of my friends and acquaintances appear to have, that kilts tend to please the ladies.)

dglenn: Lego-ish figure in blue dress, with beard and breasts, holding sword and electric guitar (lego-blue)

Made it to pharmacy. Made it to nail salon after very annoying wait for wrong bus due to misinformation. Stopped at Appalachian Bluegrass for a nut blank because the slot for the bottom string on the mandolin I was practicing on while waiting for buses crumbled. (Blank is way bigger than I need; gonna have to cut it lengthwise. Anybody local have a band saw and not mind the smell of bone dust too badly?) Stopped at grocery on the way back. Am very tired.

Especially annoying numbers of rude, immature people out and about today. Funny thing, when I hear people laughing and turn around and see a cameraphone pointed at me (with such an exaggerated gesture that it seems my seeing them is half the point), and I bring an SLR to my eye pointed back at them, people freak out. Dayum, either it's acceptable behaviour or it's not, idjits; make up your minds! But suddenly I go from curiosity to something-to-flee once the lens is aimed at them.

Have lined up rides for tomorrow. Tried to avoid pushing myself so hard today that I'll be too beat to cope tomorrow, but with the amount of walking required because of where the bus lines do and don't go, and just being Out And Active fort so long, I'm pretty darned beat. Hope I didn't push toooo hard. Gotta manage to be functional Sunday as well!

Want ABC 2.0 <-> MusicXML converter. Found an ABC 1.6-> MusicXML tool, but a) it dropped three measures when I tested it, b) it barfs on V: tags, and c) the source seems to have been lost and the author is unreachable. Half a mind to start banging one out in C (and wondering whether I could to the MusicXML->ABC direction as a 'sed' script), but already have Too Many Projects in the queue so should try a little longer to find existing tool maintained by Somebody Not Me. Also want shareware or o-s OMR (aka 'music OCR'); closest I've found is 30-day free evaluation of $190 program. Will try that, but will try to time the start of the eval period to maximize usefulness. (Probably worth $190, if I had the spare dough for that sort of thing.

Have found annoying amounds of ABC FUD on chat boards while Googling for tools, as well as an awful lot of "since I don't need that, I can't imagine it's of use to anyone else on the planet either; they should just all use the same proprietary notation tool that I do" attitudes. Feh.

Doh! Should remember to ask about XML conversion on ABC mailing list!

Tentative lead on Volvo wagon. More news ifwhen more news exists.

Difference between now and the long-tiny-nested-paren paragraph before, is today I realize I'm this tired.

Perrine is much more tolerant than I thought she'd be, of the "cat-on-keyboard bad, so if you choose to occupy keyboard zone, it's keyboard-on-cat" rule I've instituted. Though her acceptance or disgusted departure depends somewhat on my typing speed.

I do wish she'd tell me where she hid the mouse I can smell rotting. *sigh*

dglenn: Lego-ish figure in blue dress, with beard and breasts, holding sword and electric guitar (lego-blue)

Made it to pharmacy. Made it to nail salon after very annoying wait for wrong bus due to misinformation. Stopped at Appalachian Bluegrass for a nut blank because the slot for the bottom string on the mandolin I was practicing on while waiting for buses crumbled. (Blank is way bigger than I need; gonna have to cut it lengthwise. Anybody local have a band saw and not mind the smell of bone dust too badly?) Stopped at grocery on the way back. Am very tired.

Especially annoying numbers of rude, immature people out and about today. Funny thing, when I hear people laughing and turn around and see a cameraphone pointed at me (with such an exaggerated gesture that it seems my seeing them is half the point), and I bring an SLR to my eye pointed back at them, people freak out. Dayum, either it's acceptable behaviour or it's not, idjits; make up your minds! But suddenly I go from curiosity to something-to-flee once the lens is aimed at them.

Have lined up rides for tomorrow. Tried to avoid pushing myself so hard today that I'll be too beat to cope tomorrow, but with the amount of walking required because of where the bus lines do and don't go, and just being Out And Active fort so long, I'm pretty darned beat. Hope I didn't push toooo hard. Gotta manage to be functional Sunday as well!

Want ABC 2.0 <-> MusicXML converter. Found an ABC 1.6-> MusicXML tool, but a) it dropped three measures when I tested it, b) it barfs on V: tags, and c) the source seems to have been lost and the author is unreachable. Half a mind to start banging one out in C (and wondering whether I could to the MusicXML->ABC direction as a 'sed' script), but already have Too Many Projects in the queue so should try a little longer to find existing tool maintained by Somebody Not Me. Also want shareware or o-s OMR (aka 'music OCR'); closest I've found is 30-day free evaluation of $190 program. Will try that, but will try to time the start of the eval period to maximize usefulness. (Probably worth $190, if I had the spare dough for that sort of thing.

Have found annoying amounds of ABC FUD on chat boards while Googling for tools, as well as an awful lot of "since I don't need that, I can't imagine it's of use to anyone else on the planet either; they should just all use the same proprietary notation tool that I do" attitudes. Feh.

Doh! Should remember to ask about XML conversion on ABC mailing list!

Tentative lead on Volvo wagon. More news ifwhen more news exists.

Difference between now and the long-tiny-nested-paren paragraph before, is today I realize I'm this tired.

Perrine is much more tolerant than I thought she'd be, of the "cat-on-keyboard bad, so if you choose to occupy keyboard zone, it's keyboard-on-cat" rule I've instituted. Though her acceptance or disgusted departure depends somewhat on my typing speed.

I do wish she'd tell me where she hid the mouse I can smell rotting. *sigh*

dglenn: Spaceship superimposed on a whirling vortex (departure)
posted by [personal profile] dglenn at 11:58am on 2006-11-22 under ,

For a dream that stuck mostly to a single plotline, that was kinda jumbled anyhow ... dreamt that I was going to Goddard Space Flight Center for something or other, with [livejournal.com profile] anniemal, and along the way we met someone who assumed we were there for a ride into space, at which point the story of the dream became that we were going into space but had won some sort of lottery unlike the very wealthy other passengers who had paid NASA to go. The place looked almost nothing like Goddard does in real life, except for one building near the visitor's center -- it looked more like a cross between a very old, run-down airport, and a military base with lots of "top secret, don't go here" areas and armed guards in military uniforms, and I kept getting lost. My excuse was, "It looks so much different in daylight." We finally found our way to where we were supposed to go for processing, and they handed each of us one blue-and-white padded plastic flip-flop and told us to remove our right sock, so we could get surgery -- I think they were going to implant either an RFID chip or some sort of health telemetry in our heels. I'd worn tights instead of stockings & garter belt, and was cursing my lack of foresight. The receptionist who gave us our instructions then made a comment to me about the surgeon, using a very convoluted euphemism to say that he also performed MTF SRS, at which point I looked up in shock and said, "But I don't have my psych recommendation letters with me! Is he any good at that? What does he charge? Can I come back?" And that, of course, was the point at which I woke up.

(Why dream about going to Goddard to prep for a ride into space, instead of Johnson or Kennedy? Probably because in real life I've been to Goddard a bunch of times (other than going away to university, I've never lived farther than a thirty-five minute drive from Goddard, in fact), seen Kennedy only once or twice, and have never been to Johnson. And the excuse from the dream doesn't make sense since I've been there during daylight as well as at night. Dreamlogic -- *shrug*)

dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (Default)
posted by [personal profile] dglenn at 05:26am on 2006-11-20 under ,

From "In Memory of Rita Hester", by Nancy R. Nangeroni:

I gazed into the windows
of the bar where you were last seen
I searched each patron's eyes for signs of guilt
I heard again your mama cry
"Who took away my child?"
echoing off canyon walls of brick and steel

I still hear your mama's cries
Haunting the canyons of my mind
You were just too much girl
For somebody else's world


[Today is the annual Transgender Day of Remembrance.]

dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (Default)
posted by [personal profile] dglenn at 05:26am on 2006-08-21 under ,

"You know, I'm really starting to love these days when I get new musical instruments and my gender expression works perfectly on the same day." -- [livejournal.com profile] peaceofpie, 2005-12-27

dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (Default)
posted by [personal profile] dglenn at 05:25am on 2006-02-21 under ,

"Magic people don't have to be boys or girls." -- unnamed child encountered by [livejournal.com profile] peaceofpie on 2005-12-26

If you want a little context... )
dglenn: Lego-ish figure in blue dress, with beard and breasts, holding sword and electric guitar (lego-blue)

shuffle-ten meme )

The catch is that so far I've only got a hundred and eleven tracks copied to the iPod, and eight of those are sections of an audiobook and another three are recorded radio talk programs. So this "shuffle" is only shuffling through a tiny portion of my music collection. I'll have to remember to do this again in a few months, when I've got more of my CDs transferred to the device.

Then again, it did pull out a song that's so very me but that I hadn't listened to in months, "Womb Envy". There are bits of it that don't fit me, such as not wanting to wear a dress or "trade equipment", but the core idea -- wishing I could bear a child -- is something that definitely applies to me. Sometimes it's just one of those background things; other times it's an acute and painful longing. Or noticing that I feel envy at the same time as joy for friends who are pregnant. So if the point of doing the meme was to provide a seed for writing something more personal than a list of tunes, I guess it worked... lyrics )

dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (Default)

Folks,

This is a more difficult entry to figure out how to start than I had expected it to be, so I guess beginning by saying that I am overwhelmed by your support isn't an overstatement after all. Thank you..

The response is a little intimidating because it's so huge, and some of it so vehement, and here I am walking around the next day while other victims of similar violence wind up hospitalized or dead. Yes, what happened to me was horrible, and the fact that such a thing could happen at all is horrible, and of course my friends and community will be Especially Horrified that it happened to me, and I really am grateful for the emotional support, the e-hugs, and the anger on my behalf, from friends, acquaintances, and from strangers ... I'm just a little freaked out by not knowing what to do with so much support and feeling a little (probably irrational) guilt at getting so much of your emotion when there are transgendered people being beaten worse than I got, every week. That's probably a problem with the inside of my head, not with your responses and support. And I know that much of the support is for the emotional impact of having had this happen to me at all, not for the magnitude of my injuries. Does this count as "liberal guilt", that as grateful as I am for the reminders that what happens to me counts, I still can't help thinking of the folks who get killed for being themselves, when I read (and am warmed by) each new message of support? (Or does it just mean I need therapy?)

Please indulge me for a moment while I try to work off some of that probably-irrational guilt with a little preaching. I'll be brief, honest. I'll try to keep it to one paragraph:

Many folks have said things along the lines of, "let us know if there's anything we can do to help." Well, I do need help, but I'm not very good at figuring out what I need help with, and I'm even worse at managing to ask for it even when folks have offered (and I know that's a my-head problem, not a problem with how help is being offered), but I think I can ask this -- if I don't figure out a way to ask you for help myself, please look at doing anything to make life safer for others as doing something to help me. I'm thinking "transgendered people" when I say "others", but widen that to all GBLT folks, or to any other populations at increased risk of violence if you like. Speak out. Complain about stereotypes and ugly speech. Contribute to visibility campaigns. Lobby for better police awareness in cities I don't go to as well as ones I do. Offer your support to a transgendered cousin or niece or nephew. Vote. If retelling my story helps because it personalizes things, feel free to do so. There's little to no chance that the guys who beat me up will be caught, but if my wonderful friends, and their cool friends, are motivated to activism on behalf of people like me, then some good will have come out of this horrible act. And you will have helped me even if I can't figure out how to ask for help personally.

Thanks also to the people who've sent me money via PayPal. I've gotten offers of flash units to replace the one that was taken, but I do not have medical insurance and don't know how much the ER bill is going to wind up being. Your words and deeds matter more to me than your money, but I'll not turn down what financial assistance comes my way. I hadn't thought of it until I saw that someone had asked one of my friends for my PayPal address (which is dglenn@radix.net). Again, thanks.

And finally, an update (copied from what I sent to a mailing list this afternoon): I can still feel the pain in my back, especially if I twist the wrong way, but I can now take full breaths again. If I'm lucky, it'll be down to an ignoreable level before I use up the pain meds prescribed by the ER doctor, so I'll have some left for using on fibromyalgia pain over the next couple months. (I had run out of Ultram again.) At the current rate of progress, I might try to play double bass at rehearsal tomorrow after all -- yesterday that seemed unlikely, today it seems possible though still uncertain. The bruise under my left eye, small to begin with, has nearly faded already. The one under my right eye has darkened, so that instead of looking like a faint blue mascara smudge, it now looks like a reddish-purple bruise (about the size of the last joint of my pinkie -- half as long as the width of my eye). The invisible bruise on my right cheek is still invisible and still swollen, but has reduced significantly (I now only feel it when I smile or when I touch my cheek). I discovered a bruise on the left side of my face, under my beard, by touch last night; it's still tender but getting better. The elbow is behaving as a scraped elbow is expected to -- I've been putting triple-antibiotic ointment on it just to speed things along a bit because I want that reminder gone, not because it really needs any help (though I just noticed that the brand I bought, unlike my last tube and the name-brand stuff, doesn't mention zinc on it ... odd). My right eyelid still feels a wee bit puffy and tender. And looking in the mirror this afternoon I discovered an abrasion near my left eye that was so slight it took this long to ooze enough fluid to form a scab, and was invisible until the scab formed -- I mention it solely for the sake of completeness.

Later on, I'll post thoughts about arming myself -- what that does and doesn't mean -- but for now, this has gotten kind of long, so I'll stop here.

And again, thank you, all of you, for your support. I'll try to start in on replies to individual comments and email in a while, after a bit more rest.

dglenn: Me in kilt and poofy shirt, facing away, playing acoustic guitar behind head (Default)
posted by [personal profile] dglenn at 03:29am on 2005-07-10 under , ,

Well, it finally happened. I got physically bashed.

I wandered out to try to figure out which direction the thumpy bass I'd been hearing for the past three hours was coming from, and while I stood near the corner looking down Fulton Ave., two vehicles pulled up on Lombard St. at the stoplight behind me. They started making comments about how I was dressed. I turned around. They got more emphatic. One driver started to get out and someone yelled, "Get his camera," then everyone else got out. I had hope that it'd just be an exchange of words until two of them started swinging -- one at the camera, one at my face -- after which the others joined in. I took blows to both eyes, one cheek, and my temple, and went down badly, hurting my back and scraping my elbows. Fortunately they didn't continue after I fell, running back to their vehicles instead and zooming off.

I staggered back to my door, unplugged the modem, and dialed 911. I am still waiting for the police to arrive. *grumble* I'm feeling less and less goodwill toward the police.

These were not people from my neighbourhood. They were too nicely dressed (khakis instead of sweats and jeans, slightly too-nice shirts -- still casual, still sneakers that I dodged a kick from). Six to eight young African-American men. (I was noting locations of the nearest ones, not counting); I think at least three, probably four, landed blows on me. Their rides were a little too new, too recently washed. They weren't from my neighbourhood. They were passing through, and took the time and trouble to pummel a stranger who looked funny.

Right now I feel three things: loss, because after swatting the flash off my camera one of them snatched it, and that was my last properly-working flash; frustration, because there's no chance the police are going to find these assholes and bring them to justice; but mostly rage. If I thought I had a chance of locating them, I'd be in my car with camera and sword in hand looking for payback.

They beat me up in my own neighbourhood, meters from my own house, and they weren't from here. They were passing through and assaulted me on my street. I'm pissed. I want to do something that'll make them regret this. But there's probably nothing I can do.

So the remaining question is whether the police can do anything to make this kind of thing less likely, and will they?

Oh yeah, a fourth thing I feel. Pain. One cheek feels like it's swelling up quite a bit, my elbow burns, and I can't stand up quite straight because of pain below my left shoulderblade. (Should I have asked the 911 operator for an ambulance? [Edit: Shortly after posting this entry I did decide the inability to take full breaths was scary enough to call an ambulance for. The ambulance arrived before I could edit this entry to say so. See this followup) But the pain, as strong as it is, is no match for the anger.

They don't fucking do this to me on my block. I shouldn't have to fear it anywhere, but especially not at home.

And so ends a decades-long streak of being very visible and never getting attacked for it. (The fellow who came after me with a baseball bat years ago did so out of what later became known as road rage, and I was wearing boyclothes, coat and tie, at the time; the one other time I felt a person verbally harrassing me might turn violent, I was able to slip away.) I really liked being able to say I was one of the lucky few, to keep that streak going. I kind of counted on being able to mollify friends who worried for my safety by saying, "I know people like me get attacked, but so far I've been okay." As of now, I'm another statistic.

A really fucking angry statistic who'll be thinking about going armed.

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